Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
