He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
