I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
