I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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