I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
