the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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