I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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