**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
