I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
