I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
