he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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