We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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