i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
