John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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