I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
