How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
