she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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