maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's blow job season.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
