Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
