I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
