I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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