singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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