Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
