I got chris browned last night
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
we're making bets on your personal life
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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