I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
