I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
