You smell like stripper and shame
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
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