Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
