i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
