Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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