Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
