Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
