I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
