Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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