normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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