Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
