I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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