I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
