All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
