its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
