my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
All the doctor said was why
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
