A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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