If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
