nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
