You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
