guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm passing your future prison.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
