So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
