Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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