I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
