last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
