Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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