why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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