dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
