One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
