I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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