i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
