we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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