actually, I'm a sock model
the condom got lost in my hair
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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