Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I looked at my own cervix.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
