Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
