i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
