I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
