Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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