I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize